Jim Davis, a 38 year old black man from Albany, NY was allegedly abducted and beaten by aliens sometime early Saturday morning. The aliens beat Mr. Davis with highly sophisticated techniques that have local police “in awe” and crime reviewers swooning.
According to a police report filed the next day, the aliens beat Davis with “utter majestic precision…a magnificent exhibition of mastery, a godlike tour-de-force.”
The NY Times reviewed the beatings with similar praise, calling it “a fertile, starry, mysterious cathedral of alien triumphe…a smorgasbord of mercilessly whip-smart deliverance.”
Often critical of police beatings, The Washington Post declared “Few things could ever be as majestic…an eagle’s broad wingspan beating in the blue sky, the Arc De Triomphe at night.”
Not All Praise Alien Beating
One man with a different opinion was Clark Belleford, Mr. Davis’ parole officer.
“Look, I’m not saying the aliens aren’t talented, but the police should not be praising them for this,” Mr. Belleford said. “Aliens don’t have jurisdiction over Jim, the police should be protecting my right as his parole officer. No one beats my inmates but me,” Belleford said.
Reporters from several news organizations have been unable to contact Mr. Davis about the experience. Asked about Mr. Davis’ whereabouts, Mr. Belleford replied, “well I can tell you this, any of my inmates who step one inch outside their parole boundary know where they will end up, and that is where Mr. Davis is.”
People on parole who violate terms are sent before a judge for a revocation hearing to determine if they should be sent back to prison or not. Some Kind of Diaper asked Mr. Belleford if it’s fair to violate an inmate who was an abduction victim.
“Do you really believe he was abducted by aliens? Really?” Mr. Belleford replied. “If someone on parole goes to the city for the weekend, gets drunk and in a fight at a strip bar, do you think they’re going to be honest with me, or do you think they’ll make up a wild story about being abducted and then file a police report to make it official so I HAVE to take it seriously?” Mr. Belleford said.
Belleford reached into a drawer in his desk, then dropped a large manilla envelope on the desk.
“These are the five alien abductions from last month,” he said. “Davis’ story just blew up in the news because he’s black. If a white guy claims to be beaten up by an alien, no one believes him. But a black guy? Suddenly it’s a tour-de-force, burning with intelligence from beginning to end, positively incendiary!”