Officials are investigating why a professional cruise ship crew, and in particular the captain, was unable to remain calm and execute an emergency procedure as the boat sank Saturday morning, leaving no survivors. Officials describe the mayday call as "hysterical and incoherent", and suspect this behavior had … Continue Reading
Affirmative Action Quotas No Longer in Doubt After decades of "whitespeak" (Anglo-centric linguistics), the Scripps National Spelling Bee was forced by a federal judge last month to source 50% of its competition words from Urban Dictionary, a user-generated online dictionary that is considered a modern, … Continue Reading
Police departments nationwide over-delivered on Obama’s equal opportunity hiring quota with thousands of new jobs unexpectedly in canine divisions.
Jim Davis, a 38 year old black man from Albany, NY was allegedly abducted and beaten by aliens sometime early Saturday morning. The aliens beat Mr. Davis with highly sophisticated techniques that have local police “in awe” and crime reviewers swooning. According to a police report filed the next day, the aliens beat Davis with […]
OSHA was “shocked and horrified” to learn of quality control workers at bullet-proof vest manufacturers who were taking hundreds of bullets in a shift with nothing to protect their ears from the loud blast of the gunfire. “We saw many pictures where management is wearing ear protection as they fire bullets into the vest of […]
God no longer works in mysterious ways. After pouring over decades of data on subjects such as child mortality, automobile fatalities, freak accidents, and more, NASA researchers say they can explain why some children die horrible, painful deaths.
Luther Kennedy, a 48 year old black man living in Corpus Christi, became another expense for tax-payers when he suffered 12 orgasms while being beaten and choke-holded by police officers during a routine traffic stop yesterday.
She was just a farmer’s daughter with an 8th grade education. “Everyone told me I was going nowhere…look how wrong they were,” she said.
Last Friday the federal government announced the gender pay gap hit 1.5%, the smallest pay difference between men and women since 1899, the year records started being kept. “We’ve been fighting for equal pay for about 120 years – at some point you’ve got to expect men to start pushing back. Women want what is […]
Dancers say they have been objectified, degraded, and forced to do things to women of power
Koko, the gorilla famous for her sign communication skills and her relationship with comedian Robin Williams, joined the “me too” movement yesterday by announcing that she, too, had been sexually assaulted “three times last night and twice this morning” by a banana. While Koko’s vocabulary was unfamiliar with sexual harassment terms, she impressed animal behavior […]
It’s the most common syndrome among elderly, affecting 94% of the 65+ population. We’ve all seen it and, to varying degrees, we’ve all been affected by it: technology-specific elderly mental retardation. There are very effective treatments for the syndrome, so…why are we never using them?
116 year-old Ma-Huang accepted WD-40’s “What’s Left of Your Life-Time Supply Award” to promote the latest new application for WD-40: feminine dryness.
Long considered “the mother of the freedom movement” for her refusal to give up her seat in the “colored section” of a bus to a white passenger, Rosa Parks may not have been battling not racism, but acute menstruation, researchers at Troy University announced earlier this year.