God no longer works in mysterious ways.
After pouring over decades of data on subjects such as child mortality, automobile fatalities, freak accidents, and more, NASA researchers say they can explain why some children die horrible, painful deaths.
Furthermore, and perhaps more importantly, the researchers can also predict which children are likely to be chosen for a terrifying death.
“We analyzed thousands of attributes of children and their deaths, and we found patterns,” Dr. Vinued Rabst, a statistician from the study, said.
“What jumped out at us the most is that God likes killing girls named Sally, followed by boys with the middle name Peter, and twins who have blond hair,” Rabst said. “Of course, there are other multivariate inputs, but I wouldn’t want to be a girl named Sally right now.”
“God likes killing girls named Sally, followed by boys with the middle name Peter, and twins who have blond hair.”
Reactions to the news has been varied. Pediatrician Dr. Rebecca Lawson said, “I can speak for my colleagues when I say I feel so relieved. This is the most powerful tool we now have to predict and diagnose life threatening diseases in children,.”
However, Sally Gallagher, 9, of Virginia Beach did not take the news well.
“Is this true mommie? Sally asked her mother when we broke the news to her. Sally’s mother confirmed the truth of the news. “But I don’t want to die mommie, I don’t want to die…why is this happening mommie?” Sally said.
Parents Rush to Change Children’s Names
God is very active killing kids. In fact, he kills nine million children before they reach the age of five. Some experts argue it’s not the number, but the frequency, of child deaths that is important.
“Sure, you can say nine million kids die before the age of five,” said Dr. Harold Becker, a political scientist in Washington D.C. “But you’d be missing the important point: God kills 17 children per minute in terror and agony. That rate of killing is important to understand as a measure of his appetite for these…sacrifices.”
Becker warns parents who are rushing to change the names of their children from Sally and middle-named Peter to understand the consequence of their actions.
“God needs 17 kids per minute to die. If that number goes down, he is not going to be happy…I can see this God just saying ‘fuck it’ and taking out an entire household,” Becker said.
“God needs 17 kids per minute to die. If that number goes down, he is not going to be happy. I think he is going to kill the kids whose names used to be Sally or Peter, AND then take one of the parents, or another sibling, or the family dog. I can see this God just saying ‘fuck it’ and taking out an entire household,” Becker said.
God praised as loving & caring by those with “safe” names
Barbara White, a 36 year old recent mother, almost named her girl Sally.
“When I heard about the study, I called my husband and I was so happy I was crying and it took me a few minutes before I could explain to him how lucky we are, and what a miracle it is that he decided not to name our girl Sally,” Mrs. White said. “I can’t help but think that God had a hand in this. I think God took a look at his options and chose another girl to be a Sally…and I am eternally grateful to him for that. He really is a loving, caring God.”
“I think God took a look at his options and chose another girl to be a Sally…and I am eternally grateful to him for that. He really is a loving, caring God.”